leviathon002

06:15 am - Writer's Block: Conchordance

09:05 am - Here's to you Bobness

Well, you're my only friend on here now. So I guess this is going to be my extra special way of telling you what is up and down with the world. Gosh I don't even know where to begin, but let's cut it to the nitty gritty.

I'm glad you are doing so well as a mom, and with your so-called relationship with Mr.A. You have become such a wonderful woman. I knew you would be, even when I met you almost 13 years ago.

Has it been that long? Lord. I still remember the day I spit into Paul's tea and we LAUGHED. You brought joy into my marriage during a dark time for us. I've never forgotten your visit those many years ago. You are one of my oldest, and certainly my closest friend. I always feel that part of my life lacking without you here to chain smoke with and gossip. ( I type as I chain smoke.)

I hope that you can come out here in October for the wedding. It seems as though I cut myself off from that friendship support group in Texas when I moved out here. You are probably the only friend I have ever had who has moved with me as much as I have. I love you for that steadfast friendship, even if we don't talk as much as we one did. Welcome to being adults, eh?

I hope that someday you make your way out closer. But I know even then there is no way you would until your daughter is grown. For this I claim the right to loathe Mr.A for eternity. But should you ever, I'd make you the perfect extra wife and take care of you, for always...lol

I'm proud of you. For continuing with school when your mom isn't supportive, for sticking with your future, for doing something that gives you the confidence you need in your life. You will need that to parent later on. It's been helpful to me now that I am FINALLY able to talk to Ben and Hannah daily. I even got to explain to Ben the other day that he needs to understand why his daddy needs dad time. Imagine that. Me defending his daddy to him. Boy how have we grown lady!

As for me. Well, what can I say? I finally got the perfect love. It took me a long time to stop making us excuses to come out here. But here I am and here I sit, and boy is this smile permanent. It's sad though. I have found myself doing that thing we do and comparing it to everything and everyone else. It just reminds me of every time I tried too hard or went against what I should have done. All I can say is that the timing was right and I see the hand of God in making me into the woman I have become, or I could never give him exactly who I am now.

He used to tell me years ago that he adored what a strong woman I was. But this is the first time in my life I have ever felt like I could agree. This is my life now and I am LIVING it, it's not the motions to survive, it's laughter and companionship, it's real love. I had always hoped that love was actually like this. I'm glad that I finally have the opportunity to see that it really can be, without trying. I've made a lot of mistakes to get here, I suppose people always do. But man girl, I cannot wait to be married.

My hope for you is that you find this for yourself someday. Being a mom is the most amazingly selfless thing you can ever do. But loving a husband is the most selfishly wonderful act of love. You deserve it. And I better get an invitation when you do.

All my love to you my soul sista of Lompocian legacy.
Janice*~

Current Mood: cheerful

09:33 pm - Performing at the Ft.Worth living arts center.

Last night I was a speaker at a poetry feature In Fort Worth. I've only in the past year or so gotten back into the open mic scene after a very long and heartfelt "intermission." Most of the ten people who read have been living and breathing this form of art for years now. and I felt honored when I was asked to be one of the featured poets. Second Tuesdays at the Arts Center has been going on for years and our group of people, who co-moderate and promote heavily www.dfwopenmics.com were asked to come out and show Ft.Worth what we were all about.

One thing that wasn't mentioned was the fact that is a censored reading. We came into it under the belief that this was a venue for promoting exactly what we do in DFW, and that while it was not "open mic" they strongly wanted to encourage us to do it just like we do at our venues. So we did. Of course most of the places we perform are bars, which involves alcohol, so leave it to our outlaw rebel poet boy to bring in his poetry bag 18 bottles of double shot whiskey. The liquor of choice for almost every poet there...lol It was very funny to see something like this at an art gallery. Poets blantantly pouring whiskey into their drinks or shooting it from those tiny bottles...

And then it was time to read. Everyone got up there balls to the wall and read with a passion and intensity I have only ever seen in the third round of poetry at Mad Swirl. Basically by then everyone is so inebriated there is no holding back. It was amazing, and inspiring. We had one guy completely offend two well known poets we did not know. And somehow I got to go play fireman to make sure that it did NOT escalate into something completely full of nonsense. But after clearly stating I respected their opinions and that while they had every right to be offended my hope was that they were open enough to come back in and hear the others. COMPLETELY forgetting that I was the one up next. So that was fuuuuun...lol And I did indeed read a lot more passionately. Maybe for that reason. Art in this form is about freedom of expression, about inspiration, about inspiring others. I revel in the tone and words when I go to open mics, and i love that free spirit. Beatnik or not, these are my people. Offensive or not because someone did not get a metaphor... these are my people. And we had a blast just coming out to this event, showing them how our circle of poets represent all over DFW, and sharing a part of ourselves with strangers.

Below are the pieces I read. The last one is what I would call "bukowski-esque" because it reminds me so very much of Charles Bukowski. A writer I admire very much. Thank-You for reading...
Man In A Trenchcoat Holding No Sign

He seeks...
his place,
his mark,
his path,
and vows no bliss,
for the discomfort soothes.

He would chastise himself,
again and again,
for the desire,
and hopes for autonomy,
amongst the clueless masses,
never realizing,
the precise amount,
of normalcy this requires.

His every success,
yet one more anxiety ridden night,
wondering why he didn't have the answer,
in the first place.

He creates contradiction,
with questions,
already answered.

He is not motivated by our groove,
unfulfilled by the trite and intricate webs of society,
He sits on the windowsill,
cat,
on the outside,
forever looking in.

While the rest of us,
oblivious,
see a plastic smile,
and interpret,
happy.




Conclusion

This life we live can be staid,
festering with unresolved emotion,
and often,
probably more then not,
repressed by tendencies and urges,
to go against our own natural inclination,
this life we live can be full of beauty,
found in the most unlikely of places,
a side street where people gather,
a cup of coffee.
Standing on the front porch,
we look out,
into a world of unknowns,
for some,
what we view,
echoes misery, pain, and past,
others view the simplicity of a cloud as a gesture from God,
none of it is irrelevant,
this is life,
this is ours.
it is lonely,
full of companionship,
created in passion,
often lived with a general sense of apathy,
one that lingers behind every moment,
at the end there is you,
and god,
and no one and nothing else.
this is what it's all about,
the experience of it all,
the future of a million unknown moments waiting to be held in your hand and spread like seeds,
this,
this is life,
you can live it however you like because no one person can ever completely empathize,
the air you breathe can never be recaptured,
cherish it,
your pain, your bliss,
your feet on wet earth after the sky gives itself to you,
just don't ignore it,
because once it's gone,
and you exist on a plateau man did NOT make,
there will be no time to remember...



Sometimes You Need It.

It's moments like these that are made for the fight
when you want to give up
give in
live in a grimy ditch
recycle newspapers for blankets

You regroup
you toss back your head
unleash a healthy roar

and
pop
your knuckles

This is when the battle is won
after struggle
and a pain worse than a thousand thousand deaths
When the will of the gods cannot bend resolve
and not enough whiskey in the world will drown out the rage

then
my friend
you fight

You fight for dignity
respect
honesty
survival

This is no ordinary moment
This is the flimsy shadow
covering hope

so you fight
teeth bared
knuckles bloodied
bones broken
soul quivering

And it don't matter who gets hurt

Because .
You.
Win.

05:49 pm - Exhausted.

i'm actually TIRED OF TALKING.... lol

Saw my dad yesterday, and my uncle. The two guys who created the most resentment in me throughout childhood. it was stressful. I miss my sweetheart. i'm ready to come home.

I wonder if I would have come if I had known the things I had to face.

I'm dancing in a little circle waiting on Texas.

01:06 pm - california!

I'm in Cali! WWOOOOOOO!!!! You should all seriously call me....*cackles*

10:08 pm - Bang. Bang.

Now totally addicted to Sopranos. Thanks.

Current Mood: tired

05:54 am - Not much of an update I'm afraid.

Tired. Home from that one bad bad place. Lonely though. Moving soon. Dying to see the new Adam Sandler movie, no reason why. Melonchaly. Should be more happy to be free. I miss California. I miss Sneaking smokes with Bob at 3am. I miss bearing my soul. I just can't shake it tonight. Man this sucks. Next week changes everything. Everything. Doesn't seem like i have much though. Just that once small glimmer of hope that makes it all wonderful in the right moment. I probably just need his hug. *shrugs*

10:11 am - Santa says I've been a bad bad girl

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last month I signed my organ donor card (28 points). In January robyie and I robbed a bank (-50 points). In August I committed genocide... Sorry about that, kaise03 (-5000 points). In June I pulled guycc's hair (-5 points). Last Thursday kawaiikelly and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-5016 points). For Christmas I deserve a lump of coal! Sincerely, leviathon002

12:48 pm - Court, moving, gamersrus?

Dang I haven't posted on here in a while... But what the hey, I am tired of MySpace for the moment.

Do you ever feel completely left out of the loop you yourself created? Does that even make sense? It's just hard when you schedule yourself to not even have any you time, and then when you get it no longer is it you time, it is everyone else monopolizing your time. Now... I love Monopoly, don't get me wrong. And I love my friends. I feel like I've neglected everything lately and it's spiraled into a stress level that I detest. Makes me bitchy at everything. But, along with this crud is knowing that next Saturday I won't be living with house pets I don't want, who don't belong to me. And a chill new roomie who makes laid back seem almost like an art form. He might be home more than the one I have now, but at least he is quiet.

On a plus note, while my court has been detained now for weeks and weeks, hopefully this Friday is the final day. I got a new prosecutor who is wanting to keep me on deferred probation, meaning it WILL be going off of my record at the end of all of this. Such a lousy two year battle over driving two blocks for a jerk I had just met. (Sometimes boyfriends suck and their friends suck more.) So that is looking hopeful, even if it is still looming.

On a more plesant note. The Srat Wars lego game really does look fun. I've been obsessing over the new God of war game that came out, but Who doesn't like little boxy lego clones? I may actually wind up buying my own PSP if I keep finding games I want to try.

Star Wars Lego Orchestra
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Current Mood: stressed

04:33 am - Another day, another dollar

Maaan I worked late tonight! I am home now though, and happily winding down.. I miss my cookie, and would LOVE some coffee but I have to be up at 9:30 and am thinking that is a STOOPID idea...

Se la vie... Did I mention working both jobs is actually turning out to be quite fun! WOOO fun!

05:24 am - I found this funny for a Kaiser's sake...

Which DISNEY character are you most like?

Minnie Mouse
Take this quiz!








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